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Brian Kenney Fresno Lyrics

Big Tujunga, Dark Loser Hole, Slurpees and Pornography, Rumplestiltskin, Stoner DetectivesGoatsucker, Cydney Stole My Kidney (While I Was Looking Out For My Heart), Marijuana
Ma Dog, Ma Truck,Madera, Okie Wife, That's Who!, Big Fun Funeral



Modern Folk Tales

 

 

StickWarr

Also see: dudewithachapmanstick

  

STICK WARR

 No it's not a Chapman stick

 no one plays those anymore

 cause the instrument I play

 here is made by Mark Warr

 and it's called a Warr guitar

 spelled w-a-r-r

 and it's got a better sound

 doesn’t make you look gay

 so Emmett Chapman got all mad

 and he went and bought a lawsuit

 pissed a lot of people off

 made a lot of good friends

 

 now the thing you gotta know

 bout the cult of Emmett Chapman

 is all his followers agree

 he's a deity among men

 and i thought he was a god

 the day he came to Fresno

 anybody put him down

 i would take offense so

 he gave us all a newer way

 of finding free expression

 then he showed his other side

 causing me depression

 

 emmett chapman you

 emmett chapman made me

 emmett chapman made me what i

 emmett made me what i am today

 

 emmett ruined the 1st stick i bought from him

 when i sent it to be re-fretted

 he shaved a bunch off the side of the neck

 and thought i should be indebted to him for

 ruining my instrument when he was the only company around

 so glad mark Warr came along-better instrument better sound

 he just wanted some major modifications

 so he built his own, the seeds were sown

 the company's grown and now i'm proud to own a warr guitar

 kicks ass on the Chapman stick

 played one a those for 16 years

 and i'm gonna sell both quick the day after Emmett Chapman dies

 cause he turned out to be such a dick

 even though mark warr's a republican

 his guitar's the one the people pick

 preferred by professional players planet wide

 he's got Brian Kenney Fresno on his side

 so what makes the Warr guitar so much better than the chapman stick?

 well here's a little lesson from this Fresno hick

 

 it's got a buzz fieten intonation system

 not screws screwed into wood

 it's got fine machine sperzel tuners

 so you can tune the thing real good

 it's got a body and bigger headstock

 for increased mass and better sustain

 it's got dual active bartolini pickups

 with tone controls and extra gain

 and the neck, headstock and body

 are all laminated beautifully

 it's got Piezo pickups in the bridge

 to track midi information dutifully

 it's a fully adjustable Wilkinson bridge

 with the strings going through the body

 it's got a shoulder strap just like a guitar

 so it relates to everybody

 it's got a wider neck for better access

 of your fingers to the strings

 you can give a wide vibrato

 without hittin the adjacent thing or going off the side...

 off the side.....

 

 one time in Fresno I jammed with Stanley Jordan

 and he told me of the episode

 when he was thinkin about buyin a Chapman stick

 and Emmett told him to hit the road

 he said "you're not welcome here"

 he actually said "you're not welcome here"

 

 but it was an international convention

 Emmett needs psychological attention

 because Stanley Jordan is the greatest tapper

 that the world has ever known

 except for possibly ME , and there we were, both in the same room

 and we were all

 tippety tippety tappety tappety

 tappety tippity tippity tappetty

 etc etc

 

 now the cult of Chapman is a powerful one

 remember I was in it myself

 but it's just so sad to see the man I admired

 reduced to a pathetic little elf

 but it's just so sad to see the man I admired

 reduced to a pathetic little elf

 

 he's all

 "I’m a little leprechaun in my enchanted world

 I control the drama and the accusations hurled

 minions do my bidding and my sheep will be my spies

 Persecution limitless in my disciples eyes because

 MARK WARR, HE IS THE DEVIL

 COME TO SNATCH MY KINGDOM AWAY

 I INVENTED THE STICK AND BRIAN KENNEY FRESNO

 I AM THE TRUTH, I AM THE LIGHT

 I AM THE WAY"

 

 big big guitar-LLLOTS OF ISSUES..

 

 emmett chapman you

 emmett chapman made me

 emmett chapman made me what i

 emmett made me what i am today

 emmett chapman you                          MARK

 emmett chapman made me                      WARR

 emmett chapman made me what i               YOUR

 emmett made me what i am today              GUITORR

 emmett chapman you                          KICKS

 emmett chapman made me                      STICKS

 emmett chapman made me what i               ASS

 emmett made me what i am today              HANDS

 emmett chapman you                          DOWN

 emmett chapman made me                      NO

 emmett chapman made me what i               DOUBT

 emmett made me what i am today              SHOUT!

 

 so no it's not a Chapman stick

 no one plays those anymore

 cause the instrument I play

 here is made by Mark Warr

 and it's called a Warr guitar

 spelled w-a-r-r

 and it's got a better sound

 doesn’t make you look gay

 

 brian kenney fresno 6/5

 


BIG TUJUNGA


BIG TUJUNGA
The tiny little dog on the windswept moonscape
BIG TUJUNGA
From the mountains of northeast LA
BIG TUJUNGA
Coulda been a frozen hot dog roadscrape
BIG TUJUNGA
Didn't know a treasure when they threw away

Hey there loser asshole!
I found your dying pet
She was right there where you dumped her
As pathetic as you can get

She was starving, she hadn't eaten
She was cowering cause she was beaten
She was trembling cause she was freezing
It's a sad tale, no I'm not teasing

It was starting to rain
And it caused me to much pain
To leave her there to a harsh and certain death

Well I really couldn't say no
So I done brung her back to Fresno
She adopted me
It was meant to be
And it's why I'm here to tell the tale of

  Big Tujunga!

 


 

SLURPEES AND PORNOGRAPHY

 

In 1993 
The city of Fresno gave to me 
A coupla thousand dollars that was supposed to be for me
to go and 
write and play in Fresno 
But people weren't impressed no 
I had to find some inspiration anywhere I could 
I knew that I would with Slurpees and pornography 

But I never thought I'd be 
The refugee you see 
Prohibited fron performing in my own locality 
I can't play anymore in Fresno 
The council wasn't impressed, no 
They hit me with an audit, asked me, "where'd the money go?" 
All the receipts showed: slurpees and pornography! 

So I applied to the California Arts Council 
touring and presenting program 
They told me they resent me, and frankly didn't give a damn 
Said "not now, not never" would they ever try to help me 
They told me my art was of poor poor quality 
They only saw Fresno, so it couldn't have any class 
Well I say they wouldn't know art if it bit em in the ass! 

They said my marketing plan relied too much on the internet 
To me saying that's about as stupid as you can get 
It only shows a mindset in the last century 
Now tell me what other medium is as powerful and free? 
It's a modern day telephone, and chalk full of pornography!


(NEW VERSE- True Story!)

Then I got Banned from Burning Man
For "harshing peoples' mellow"
I really couldn't understand it,

because I'm a really postive fellow
They said they wanted less entertainment
If you can figure out what that meant...
I came all that way, so it was abig 'ol disappointment!
Got to The Playa - saw Nudity - said,"Whoopee!"
I thought they were liberals, but they were just dirty hippies!

 


 

RUMPLESTILTSKIN

Pastel tractors
Treading tirelessly
Through corporation automation
Robotic hands of injustice
disassemble all the freedoms
So hard won so long ago
Teased and hazed so far they finally
Fell under the strain
Truth be told, your life's controlled
By ruthless men
Who laugh to feel your pain

Buy that big lie
Raise it high
Wave it proud
Show the world for all to see
Chant it loud and feverishly
Celebrate your whiteness
And it's dark history

Slavery and genocide
Reflect the values deep inside
How we're able to preside
In the land of the free
Armed with such ineptitude
And such a cocky attitude
Truly believing that all is ours
As meant to be

Wading through the lies and slander
Truth, not a word was said
Are you waiting for the answer
To clearly knock you upside the head?

Another year another dollar
Trade your chains in for a collar
You can't live my life like that
It's hell in your own wishing well
You're wishing you were a stranger
No one told you your virtue would hurt you

Well I don't know
And I don't care
about your ignorance or apathy
it's a forced compliance
crushed defiance
corporate giants
culture of worker bees



 

STONER DETECTIVES 

They're point and stash
The stoner detectives
Go looking for suspects
With a special perspective
Cause when they're at the scene of the crime
You know they're getting stoned all the time
They've lost all short-term memory skills

That latest batch of indica kills
They're turnin up clues
While smokin some pot
The Same ones as last week
But then they forgot

They're point and stash the stoner detectives
Road trip to Utah
We're seein the sights
Drive in the daytime
And camping at night

Tried to feed the wild life one night
They stole our utensils once we're outta sight
A wolf!,(no a reindeer!)Coyote, a crow
Nabbed our cookware struck a cruel blow!
Stash says it's a fox
Point thinks it's a raccoon
We gave up the biscuit
Now give the lid back soon
They're point and stash the stoner detectives!
But when the weed ran out
They/we went runnin back to California
Where the buds and brews
Are waitin at stash's house
It's where the liberal laws make/keep
Marijuana fun and easy
It' only 3/2 days away if you're drivin as fast as you can
After it's rainy
The road gets all slick
Said the sexy park lady
After smokin some dick
The only two rangers for hundreds of miles
Both leavin now with some ear to ear smiles
But point and stash they see right through
Because they're lookin to get some of that too!
So petite sexy ranger
We're drivin on through
Don't try to scare us
Cause you wanna screw
They're point and stash(you know, see above )
And when they're tracking down a thief
The chances are they're burnin a spleef
Investigating a criminal deed
Is where you'll find them tokin some weed
Because they're turnin up clues
While smokin some pot
Same ones as last week
But then they forgot......
(action figures sold separately!)

 

 

Urban Legends  


Goatsucker


from the ruins of ancient south eastern Mexico
flew the hideous beast with one place left to go - Fresno
run out by a fast encroaching tourist industry
evil winged creature night surgeon hack bloodthirsty

built just like a panther
hops like a kangaroo
once it sinks it's fangs into you 
there's nothing you can do

shiny red eyes above
beating leather wings
with a long snake like tongue
mercilessly hunting down
the old the weak and kenny young

chupacabra
you've been so misunderstood
you use your evil for good
you've been hiding out too long
you were right and we were wrong

chupacabra mutilations quite the thing to see
all the organs missing eaten out internally
not a drop of blood, or shred of skin will there be
it's a cold cruel killer hundreds die thousands flee

chupacabra
no ensidio entendido
usás tu mal por lo bien
asa de maseada tiempo que té  escondes
teniás razón y nosotros nos equivicamos!

it's got a sharp pointy devil tail
with silky vermin ears
a specialized function sucking organs
evolved over the years

BIG OL! (huge) razor sharp spikes
liberally line the back
leaves a sickening sulphur stench
wherever it goes on all it attacks

i'll just bet,
it's an alien pet someone let out to...


CYDNEY STOLE MY KIDNEY
(WHEN I WAS LOOKING OUT FOR MY HEART)


I met her on the Euro rail
seemed like a long lost friend
we were young and single traveling alone
her name was Cydney Dibennedetto
and it turned out she was somebody from Fresno
and we quickly fell in love
like in "When Harry Met Sally"
but then two days out of Amsterdam
after drinking and dancing all night
my vision suddenly got all fuzzy
and the room started spinning all white
I woke up in a hotel bathtub
packed to the rim with ice
a note left explaining my situation
and the prognosis wasn't nice because
CYDNEY STOLE MY KIDNEY
WHEN I WAS LOOKING OUT FOR MY HEART
 
Cydney, I love you still
and I forgive you in my heart
I promise to keep an eye out for you baby
it just makes me sad that we're apart
(my kidney and I)


Epics of the Absurd

 

DARK LOSER HOLE


(The Star Spangled Banner reclaimed as
 the drinking song from whence it came!)


Oh let's drink some beer
Till we all just fall down
And we'll get so damn drunk
That we wake up the whole town

Cause we'll puke in the street
Get it all on our feet
And the neighbors won't care
We'll assault them if they stare

And we'll piss on their lawn
As we drink until dawn
Cause we've got no jobs
We're just sick drunken slobs

So let's all fall into that
dark loser hole now
Drink some beer, go fall down
And we'll all yell real LOUD!!!

 

      
(Recent propoganda from The Bush Administration?)

MARIJUANA


marijuana, don't ya wanna, change the world with marijuana?
marijuana, don't ya wanna, save the world with marijuana?

so you're calling me a criminal,
now what gives you the right?
cause i like to smoke a little herb,
while you get shitfaced every night?
well there's a fiber, a food, a fuel, a renewable resource
we should all sing about
the reasons it's illegal are so stupid
it makes me want to shout
(but i'll sing)
marijuana, don't ya wanna, change the world with marijuana?
marijuana, don't ya wanna, save the world with marijuana?

s'beenaround since the dawn of man and no one's ever died
but the yellow press and politicians - they like to push the facts aside
cause it don't mean a thing when cotton's king
and petroleum products rule the ring
a free growing resource is a scary thing
to the powerheads that be - yep they need some

marijuana, don't ya wanna, change the world with marijuana?
marijuana, don't ya wanna, save the world with marijuana?

so go erradicate poison ivy
the world might be a better place
but get your guns out of my garden
get your ass out of my face

till 1937 most medicines were marijuana based
the AMA was sued and threatened to make a quick about face
to the dawn of the chemical pharmeucutical age
and the muscle of the the multinational corporation
took away the power from the farmer and the land
his eventual strangulation by the same hand
burned the barn down and locked up the land

cause anything that you can make from oil
you can make from this magic weed
it's a drought resistant, soil replenishing, resource in a seed!
but they call it a drug get so damn smug
as they sweep all the facts under the rug
armies of agents acting like thugs
criminalizing you and me...
(how does it feel to be a criminal?)

over a million prisoners in this land of freedom
lifetimes locked away
all for possesion of a simple ancient plant
countless lives are thrown away-

so go erradicate poison ivy
the world might be a better place
but get your guns out of my garden
get your ass out of my face
get your ass out of my face!

marijuana don't ya wanna change the world with marijuana?
marijuana don't ya wanna save the world with marijuana?

marijuana don't ya wanna change the world with marijuana?
marijuana don't ya wanna save the world with marijuana?

so go erradicate poison ivy
the world might be a better place
but get your guns out of my garden
get your ass out of my face


©copyright 2002 brian kenney fresno

 

MA DOG MA TRUCK MADERA!


20 minutes north down hiway 99
is the place where they make the fabulous Gallo wine
it's fresno's own backwards country cousin
MADERA! MADERA!

It's the one place people in Fresno 
are glad that they're not from
Well you know we got a cake a culture
They haven't even got a crumb
They only just got public schools there
So everybody's really dumb
But if you need heroin or hookers,
You go there to getcha some!

MADERA!
MADERA!

Now Madera was founded in 1929
As a place of banishment from Fresno
(MADERA! MADERA!
YOU'RE A LOT JUST LIKE AUSTRALIA!)
Keep all them Maderans 
on the other side of the San Joaquin
It's the only thing that'll ever keep 
the Fresno county clean 
a those:
Inbred, podunk, redneck rubes
And their cattle thievin ways
well the river might wash the scum off,
But the stink that's on em stays ,
Cause they're from

MADERA! MADERA!
If the name itself don't scare ya!
MADERA! MADERA!
Go there hippie I double dare ya!
MADERA! MADERA!
Them an fresno's quite a paira..
MADERA! MADERA!
Kick yer ass an cut yer hair
MA DOG, MA TRUCK, MADERA!

MADERA! MADERA!
If the name itself don't scare ya
MADERA! MADERA!
Cowboy hat and a pistol weara
MADERA! MADERA!
Kick yer ass and cut yer haira
MADERA! MADERA!
Men are men and sheep are scareda

(INSERT "MOTHER FUCKIN COWBOY"
by my dead friend Tony Tapian, who was killed in Madera county)

"I kiss the girls, and I fill their mouth with spit"
and
MA DOG, MA TRUCK, MADERA!

Well their drunken sheriff he just got caught
Passed out in a Sacramento parking lot
The man that declares an annual war against pot
Blood alcohol twice the legal limit in a Madera county car
Charged with D.U.I. and reckless driving,
Made even worse the situation,
Got the Sacramento Stinkeye 
with the department of transportation,
Now the Amtrak don't even stop there
cause the greyhound got threats in the mail....
Even my cousin Harley moved away
Last month, when he got out of jail


MA DOG, MA TRUCK, MADERA!
MA DOG, MA TRUCK, MADERA!

YEAH!
My god! MY GOD! My truck!!, MY TRUCK!! Ma god!!! MY GOD!!! Ma truck!!!! MA
TRUCK!!!! Ma god!!!!! MY GOD!!!!! Ma truck!!!!!! MY TRUCK!!!!!!,
MADERA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 


OKIE WIFE

Well she's my okie wife
Okie wife, okie wife
OKIE WIFE, OKIE WIFE!
She's the lady in my life
She's my okie wife...

Met her at the race track
during BARGOOMA! The monster truck
she seemed so hot and bothered
so I asked her if she'd like to
see my tattoo sportin elvis
in a bloody crown of thorns
we went back to my motel,
drank some beer and watched some porns,
now she's my....

got a meth lab in the basement,
growin weed out in the yard
baby cribs betwixt the trailers,
an a pit bull keeping guard
o'er the still fer makin moonshine,
and the seven rusty cars
the Enquirer's in the outhouse,
and she flies the stars and bars,
and she's my...

I beat her in the morning,
make luuv to her at night
She knows she makes me do it,
and she knows I'm always right
One day she says she'll poison me,
or kill me in my sleep
Our sisters say they'll help her,
cause they think I'm such a creep,
but she's my...

 


THAT'S WHO!

From the crystal ice cathedrals
Of a mystic land called Sweden
Came the pyrotechnic wizard rising star
Fulfillment of the prophecies traveled wide and far
Shred master wanker god
We know who you are

He's yngwie fucking malmsteen
THAT'S WHO!
YAAAAAAA!

He's the fastest newest sorcerer
In the holy metal kingdom
Sweep picks arpeggios at flashing lightning speed
He's like totally neo-classical dude
He kicks your ass with each etude
Classically trained as a child!

But now he's out and running wild
His gothic scales leave us beguiled
His blinding vision bathes us in the dark
He's a hexaphonic composer
A rocker not a poser
Stravinsky just step your ass aside!

He's yngwie fucking malmsteen
THAT'S WHO!
YAAAAAAA!

 

THE BIG FUN FUNERAL
FUNERALS MAKE ME HORNY / NASTY NECRO LOVE BEAST / TEAR THE FLESH SLURP THE GRAVY 

Funerals make me horny! 
All the ladies look so fine 

Everyone remembers that they just wanna live 

And they know they might be next in line 
We need to spend more time screwing 
Individually and collectively doing
The thing that makes us happiest 
Makes us all feel the snappiest 

In this here plane of existence 
So everybody take each other in a loving embrace 
Kiss one another on their/your smiling face 
Spread a little love and panty lace 
I wanna see the people all just screwin in the place 
You know that pretty soon you'll all be dead 
And all you ever wanted was just a little head 
(ladies too!) 
Shoulda spent more time screwin than sleepin in bed
 At least you can all be glad it's not your funeral instead 
Funerals make me horny 
In a way they're so full of life 
Tragedy brings people together 
in a long lasting bond 
that's reinforced in times of strife 
And I like the way your mouth looks
When it's wrenched up in agony and despair
The make up smeared all over your face 
And the snot messed up in your hair
It makes me feel so sexual
I say emotional response is contextual 
Don't wanna see no doom and gloom 
Just want an orgy in the room 
And I want YOU to be my corpse dominatrix! 

So everybody
wanna be your
NASTY NECRO LOVE BEAST, 
WANNA BE YOUR NASTY NECRO LOVE BEAST BABY!!
I wanna)(ya gotta) tear the flesh from the bones of life
puke it up in the bushes of your mind
slurp the gravy from the bowl of love 
cause there ain't no sex in heaven above 

had enough of being sensitive 
had enough of feeling sad 
had enough of feeling like the world I know just ended 
had enough of feeling I'm  losing friends I never had 
had enough of being spontaneous 
had enough of everything all planned 
had enough of Fresno and their high falutin culture 
fat cat bureaucrats who worked to have me banned !

ya gotta slurp, slurp the gravy 
ya gotta tear the flesh! 
Had enough of being extroverted 
Had enough of feeling all shy 
Had enough of living like a total contradiction 
Had enough of putting off the fun until I die 
had enough of being telepathic..................

 

 

Contact: Brian Kenney-Fresno

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